An insight to Margie Thomas's healing journey.

Margie’s Healing Journey

What do you see when you look at me?

You have heard I am a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse,

What does that mean?

Why did I only come out with the whole story in my 40s?

Why can’t I get over it?

These and many other questions have been asked of me.

I often have to explain myself more times than I want to.

If you break a leg and everyone you see asks you how you did it, you get a little frustrated but you usually get support.

At least there is evidence with the cast on your leg and the fact that it will be a good 6 weeks before you can get back to normal.

That’s what people want; they want you to get back to normal.  People don’t like to sit with other people’s pain as it is uncomfortable.  They want to fix it. If they can’t fix it they will blame the person for not doing enough or run away.

I keep telling my story because I want to break the silence for me and other survivors. Every time someone reacts badly to it, or ignores it,  it hurts like hell inside so I am scared every time I have to tell it again. But I have to tell it again because it may help one person!

Being a survivor of family child hood sexual abuse is obviously different from breaking a leg. It’s like having your leg removed by someone you love and then told to shut up about it.  Then everyone tells you to stop complaining about it and get over it. If you don’t run it’s your fault.

People look at me and think I am fine, and sometimes I am.  Not even my husband who is very close to me can always tell when something is wrong as I have learned to hide it to survive.  I was taught that I was only worth something if I did things for others.

So it’s a bit like an iceberg.  What you can see is nothing compared to what is below the surface.   

I suffer from Complex post-traumatic stress which is common with survivors of child abuse.  Certain things trigger automatic responses. A bit like when a soldier who has returned from war  jumps when he/ she hears a loud bang or they might have nightmares about their time in war every night.

These are some of my “triggers”:

*When someone seems to not believe me inside I turn to total panic because it connects with not being listened to when I disclosed. It connects with feeling worthless; it connects with betrayal and a lot of emotional pain. This includes seeing anybody or reference to anybody who knows the truth but did nothing and in fact continues to see the perpetrator. (A lot of my relatives)

*When something reminds me of my perpetrator, inside it connects me back to the abuse and I feel like I am a powerless child again. Terrified and frozen. This can be a smell, a sound, something visual like someone looking like the perpetrator. It may be a turn of phrase the perpetrator used. The car they drive, the age, the gender and so the list goes on .

*If anything tips my security balance such as financial challenges, or a sense of being out of control with what is happening around me: I just melt down inside and have an anxiety attack. I often want to kill myself if the pain is too much to bear. My blood pressure rises, I feel like I can’t breathe and my pulse races. I feel like there is a lion about to eat me.

This and more can happen in one day. If I get triggered too many times in a row it takes me days or weeks to get back on my feet again.

At the beginning of this last break down, I couldn't leave the couch, all I could do was cry and want to kill myself. It took the tiniest thing to absolutely break me to a million pieces.

I can pick myself up quicker now but it still happens.

Other symptoms I have regularly are:

·        Days with “Foggy Brain” where I cannot think straight and nothing I can do will help.  I usually try to meditate to ground myself but it is not safe for me to drive or do anything that takes concentration.

·        There are days I “disassociate” Where I am just not here in the present, it is different than “Foggy Brain” as I feel like I can think clearly but I kind of feel nothing and feel like I am floating along.

·        Days of pain. I get a lot of pain in my body and often have terrible headaches which can last for 3 days at a time. I get a lot of sinus pain and general aches and pains. I have to have regular physio.

·        Days of depression, well that can be weeks/ months of depression. I am tired but sometimes can’t sleep. I just feel like I cannot go on anymore. That every step is climbing a mountain and my mind constantly tells me how “Worthless and Useless” I am. I feel like a burden on society and think I would be better off dead. They are hard days. To keep fighting to stay alive is exhausting.

It has taken me a lot and I mean a LOT of courage to walk this journey! To connect with any human being again beside my husband was terrifying, let alone leaving the house!

It is still hard work to leave the house and mix with others. It takes a lot out of me and I have to have rest days afterwards. If you saw me when I am out you would probably have no idea what I was going through.

Being a Survivor of abuse has some other effects too:

·        Health issues are very common with survivors.  I have diabetes type 2, Irritable bowel syndrome and often suffer exhaustion. The stress that one lives with as a child causes a lot of stress on the body and lowers the immune system

·        According to ASCA (Adults Surviving Child Abuse) These are common feelings that a survivor has:

“Anxiety, Grief and sadness. Shame, self-blame and guilt. Alienation, helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness”

I can certainly attest to this!

·        It affects me financially, as I can’t work. I keep trying to work or study but continually have breakdowns due to exhaustion. So I do not have superannuation, I do not have savings, I do not have Shares and I have no back up if something goes wrong. My Physical and mental problems that come from the abuse have stopped me living a fulfilling life, they have stopped me from being financially independent.  All those dreams I had of travelling and many other dreams are shattered.  I am hoping that with time things will improve but I am not getting any younger.

Now the difference again with a broken leg which heals in about 6 weeks and what any survivor suffers is that it is for life. You get better at dealing with out the leg that was taken but it is never going to come back.

So why did I only come out with the whole story in my 40’s?

Studies have shown that either another trauma will re trigger everything that happened or just being in a stage of life where your mind has the time and safety to be able to start letting it all out.  In our teens we don’t talk about it, in our 20’s we are busy looking for partners maybe a career or having children. In our 30’s we are usually busy with children and work. Once we hit our 40’s the kids are getting older, there is not as much responsibility with kids at school. People have often got their house/ mortgage on the way and the brain starts to remember. 

Not that mine forgot but I just didn't really feel anything about it.  I knew it was horrible but I didn't really FEEL all the feelings that I had locked inside me since childhood. It hit me like a bomb when it decided it was time to come out! I had no choice but to let it happen.  There was no point fighting it but instead I got help to go through with the healing process. Imagine a truck hits you and pushes you a long for a ride, you don’t know how long it is going to take, in fact you feel like it will never finish and the truck will run you over and kill you but it doesn't it just keeps pushing you along and all you can do is hang on and go with it.

So you cannot fix me but you can sit with me and believe me, support me and love me. I am doing all the hard work because I have to, nobody can fix me but me. If I have cut someone out of my life it is because they were destructive to my healing. It is hard enough on my own without someone dragging me back!

I won’t say no to people who want to walk beside me and encourage me and tell me I am doing a great job.  Every bit helps.

The bit that is the hardest is when someone is convinced they are helping me but aren't. How do I tell them I can’t be around them when I know their heart is in the right place but I am not strong enough to be with them yet? Particularly religious people who think that all I need to do is pray and it will get better!

I have spent my whole life being there for others, to heal I HAVE to take care of ME. It is the ONLY way forward.

So next time you meet a survivor that discloses to you, remember it took them a LOT of courage to tell, remember to listen to them, believe them and support them as best you can.

It might cause you some pain for a while listening to something that is so horrible but at least you don’t have a life sentence because of it as they do!

Love and Light,

Margie Thomas