Christianity’s
Abuse of forgiveness
My husband and I were horrified to see the misuse of forgiveness
to support abusers.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I was raised
in the Christian church. I was abused by a male family member who was a Christian
(and still is).
As I have started to face the pain of the consequences of
the mental and physical effects of this abuse and started to share my story, I
have been horrified at the reaction from Christians. (Not all but many)
I have at this stage chosen not to take the perpetrator to
court as it happened many years ago but I have every right to do so.
The continuous message we have got from most Christians is
that I should forgive the perpetrator and even to the point of support the
perpetrator! They have shown me no
compassion at all, by doing this they are re victimising me, blaming me for
something I have not done, instead of putting the blame where it belongs! (I am
not the only one as the stats show “1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will be sexually abused
before the age of 16 (Fergusson & Mullen, 1999)” from the CASA (Centres
against Sexual Assault) website http://www.casa.org.au/casa_pdf.php?document=statistics
)
I was sexually abused and received no justice at all not
then, not now. I am suffering a lot of
mental and physical pain because of it but I am being shown hardly any
compassion and no justice whatsoever! I have been getting therapy for the last
20 years, as I have to fix myself; there is no magical fix by just forgiving
the perpetrator. There are many years of pain and hard work to deal with the
effects of abuse. Not even a sorry from the abuser can take away the scars and
the effects of the abuse.
It is possible to heal but it takes time and support.
What kind of Christianity is this?
Lets look at what the abusive Christian version of forgiveness
does for the perpetrator and victim:
- The perpetrator does not have to take responsibility for their actions because they can just ask for forgiveness and it is wiped clean and it is the victims fault if they do not forgive the perpetrator. (how convenient)
- It does not allow victims to heal but re victimises them. (because they are bad people if they cannot forgive)
- It does not allow the perpetrator to face their own issues and get help and to heal so as not to reoffend.
- It does not let Justice be done. There must be consequences for actions and compassion and support for the victim. We do not tell people off if their partner dies and they are suffering grief why should a victim of sexual abuse be told off and not supported.
- Using this type of forgiveness is a ‘quick fix’ for difficult problems and it is easy for people to sweep it under the carpet as we have seen in the Catholic Church (I come from the Lutheran church and think it is just the same)
- It is not healthy mentally or physically to hold things in and not face them by just forgiving and not going through the healing process.
Forgiveness can be an important part of healing but it can
only take place at the end of healing not at the beginning. Even if a
perpetrator is forgiven they still should face some kind of consequence for
their actions as that is justice, wether the abuser is remorseful or not,
wether the abuser is young or old. There
should be a support system for the perpetrator to help them take responsibility
for their actions and to change and heal.
There should also be much more support for the survivor/victim as they
have done nothing wrong.
As Ellen Bass and Laura Davis wrote in their international
bestseller ‘The courage to heal: a guide for women survivors of child sexual
abuse’ from the 2002 version: Advice to
people working with survivors.
“Never say or imply that the client should forgive the abuser,
forgiveness is not essential for healing. This fact is disturbing to many
counsellors, ministers and the public by large. But it is absolutely true. If
you hold belief that survivors must forgive the abuser in order to heal, you
should not be working with survivors.” (Page 348)
So I ask where is the compassion and justice in the
Christian church?
Margie Thomas
(Cert 4 in pastoral care)
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