The life of a Survivor of Childhood sexual abuse

 I have sent this letter to a newspaper, please feel free to share this article wherever you think it will be useful.

The life of a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse

When people hear the term Childhood sexual abuse survivor/victim they may not think much about it or they may wonder how can something that happened to someone so long ago still affect them?

In Australia 1 in 3 Women and 1 in 4 to 5 men have been sexually abused by the time they are 16.

When a child is sexually abused they don’t always tell someone for many reasons.

One reason is that they were often too afraid to tell because they didn’t want to get in trouble; they were told it was their fault or someone would get hurt if they did.

If they had the courage to tell most of the time they were not believed or ignored anyway. Some children were punished for what happened.

The child relied on these adults for protection. To them the adults were gods and all powerful, so if an adult chose to abuse a child, in the child’s mind it must be their own fault as a god is perfect and all other gods (adults) will believe the adult over a child.

So the child is punished for someone taking their innocence!

The child must survive so they develop ways to make sense of it all which may include burying it all in a box in their head. They use most of the energy for survival that was meant to be used for normal development.

The survivor becomes a teenager, the abuse may continue. They may find themselves in the arms of drugs, alcohol and maybe many sexual partners to try to ease the inner pain. Some will just keep the lid on the box and appear completely normal.

The survivor becomes an adult, they may choose to marry young to get away from the abuse not necessarily choosing the best partner for themselves but one who is a form of rescue from where they came from. They will often suffer anxiety and depression not always realising what they are suffering because they have learned to turn off what they feel for their own survival.

The survivor may have children and in most cases will vehemently protect them so as the same will not be repeated on to them. Unfortunately they may become helicopter parents terrified for their children’s safety.

As the adult survivor grows into their 30s to 40s after being able to keep it all together from the out side something changes. A lot of survivors start to suffer post traumatic stress disorder. (Not unlike war vets) They have flashes of emotions that don’t fit in with what is happening in the present or at least do not fit in with the magnitude of the present situation. A sudden feeling of utter terror, their heart starts to race they may break out in a sweat. The feeling is so strong that they feel like something terrible is going to happen at any moment!  Then there is sudden physical flash backs where the survivor can feel the hands of the perpetrator on them when they are no where near them. A very terrifying experience! When they are being intimate with their partner all they see is the perpetrator there with them!

What happens is that the box in their brain that they put the trauma in all those years ago gradually builds up like a pressure cooker, if the pressure is not released slowly or at all it will explode and nothing will hold that lid on, that is what happens to survivors. That is why people can’t understand how a person seemed to be doing fine with it all and then suddenly they fall apart screaming and running.

When a survivor is going through Post Traumatic Stress disorder (PSTD), telling them to “get over it”, “the past is in the past” or “just forgive your perpetrator and move on”, WILL NOT HELP.  PSTD is the entire trauma that should have been dealt with at the time of abuse but the survivor could not do anything about it. They were totally powerless in the situation. They were taught to keep it quiet and just accept it as it is with no help or support. If a child was supported, was protected from the abuser and there was justice done straight away, they would probably never have to suffer all of this.

So as an adult survivor, all these feelings of terror, powerlessness and anger that they should have been able to get help with as a child eventually have to come out.

Survivors also suffer a lot more physical ailments because their bodies have had to put up with increased amounts of adrenaline rushing through their bodies from the “Fight or Flight” mode they spend their life in. This causes damage to all the organs.

So it seems that the adult survivor may only feel like trying to get justice a long time after the event. This causes problems, how can they prove anything? Some people around them think they are lying when they at last share the truth (particularly family). The perpetrator is now an old man (or woman) and seems to be a lovely person who wouldn’t hurt a fly. So when elements of society and family say just forgive the perpetrator, they are reinforcing the silencing that happened as a child, they are reinforcing the feeling that they do not deserve justice! The survivor then feels powerless, angry, depressed and can feel suicidal. Stuck in a trap they were caught in as a child and now can still not get out of! They have never had a chance in their whole life to tell the truth, to have people stand up for them and get angry at the abuser for them.

So I am asking when can we see a just system for survivors, that is survivor friendly? When will society accept that these things have happened and still happen today?

In our Australian population of 23 Million, 6.5 Million people will be or have been sexually abused by the time they are 16! That is the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about! When will these INNOCENT survivors get their justice and support?  When will people accept that no matter how old or how nice a person is , if they have sexually abused someone that is a CRIMINAL OFFENCE and needs to be treated as such. When will society realise that being sexually abused as a child doesn’t just stop there, it gives the survivor a life time of pain and suffering. Would you tell someone to just forgive an offender that murdered a loved one and say well that happened years ago don’t worry about it now?

Healing is possible but a survivor needs professional and community support to work through these issues they do not need to be silenced and ignored.

We need a huge cultural shift. Children are not objects to be used for adult’s power and pleasure. We need to stand by our survivors NOT our abusers!!!

By Margie Thomas (Cert 4 in pastoral care and a survivor of CSA)