Going through a breakdown and back!
It’s been a long time since I wrote “Falling or Flying?”
well it feels like it anyway. I put it out in book form in 2011. A lot happened
after that so here is a fill in….
Well here’s my story in brief:
I was raised in a Christian family that was quite
dysfunctional. They appeared good. My father was born in Germany just before
the 2nd World war, so you can imagine that there was a lot of
baggage from that side of the family.
My mother was raised as a Lutheran pastor’s daughter with a
German background too. This side of the family was very repressive with
emotions and the way you had to look in society.
A bad mix!
I was inappropriately sexualised by my father from age 10
and it lead to being sexually harassed and molested by him up to age 15 when I
left home and moved in with my grandparents in a country town. I moved back home as I was meant to be a good
Christian girl. I married at 17, one
reason to get out of home and I was hoping that it was a rescue.
I told my mother when I was molested. She just said “Thanks
for telling me I will talk to dad” That was all that happened it was never
mentioned again. So I kept it to myself.
When I was 28 it started to resurface and then my marriage broke up.
I ended up remarrying at 32 and am still married to the same
man. So 2 kids from the first marriage
and 1 from the second and now an Oma to 2 young grandsons!
I decided to write a booklet about my life experience, that
is when “Falling or Flying?” came about; firstly on my Blog and then I self-published
it. My aim was to help break the silence and help others.
I guess that is when the shit hit the fan. We moved to the country for a sea change and
I studied Cert 4 in Pastoral care as I wanted some qualifications to work with
women survivors. I did not have the
physical energy to do social work.
I put the book out, my family weren’t happy even though I
did not mention names. I ended up having
a break down just as I finished my course. I did not expect this as I thought I
had sorted all the abuse stuff out! I
had been going to counselling for nearly 20 years.
I faced my parents about the abuse with my husband there and
after spending years of blindly just forgiving my father, the whole truth hit
me in the face. They didn’t care about
me, he said sorry but he didn’t show any intention of trying to make things up
to me. He made comments like “what do you expect me to do!” Yelling at my husband “This is between me and
her not you!” He was more worried about
getting into trouble with the law and spent a lot of time telling me it wasn’t
his fault as he had a bad upbringing! My
mum just agreed with my dad, which shocked me even more! I left there horrified
and so did my husband.
I have 2 siblings who were raised in the same dysfunctional
family, both Christians, one works for the church. They basically said “Well he said sorry so
just forgive him” and then proceeded to show me no compassion at all. Oh they believe they showed me compassion. To
this day they think I am the evil person for not forgiving my father. I realise
that they are in their denial stage and it is their journey now not mine. It broke my heart; I had to cut them all off.
I felt so abandoned, like an orphan.
So here I was in a new town where I did not know many people
at all, the few people I had started friendships with, ran away from me when I
had my break down. I couldn’t find any help locally. I was absolutely horrified
at the health system and lack of understanding in this rural area! I ended up in hospital and an Immediate Care
Centre a couple of times because I was suicidal. It has been a road to HELL! I have read much and spoken to many professionals
on the way and found out my story is not uncommon at all.
So I ended up with help from Uniting Communities and MIFSA
(Mental Illness fellowship of South Australia) both fantastic organisations of
whom without I truly believe I would not have made it through.
I suffered more than 2 years of sinus infections, headaches,
body aches, exhaustion, suicidal thoughts, isolation, betrayal and just total
depression. I went from being a gregarious person to one who was terrified of
crowds, couldn’t handle going out and mixing with anyone. I had to give up my
part time job as crying and being sick all the time doesn’t work well in
retail. Anxiety attacks to the point that I thought I was going to die,
physical and mental flash backs of the abuse. Living in complete terror all of
the time thinking that I was not safe anywhere. I did not want to go on but I
had to fight to be there for my last child at home as I did not want to abandon
her.
I am no longer a Christian because it was the Christians
around me who focused on me forgiving my father and no one expected him to take
responsibility for his actions. You see all you have to do is say sorry and
then God forgives you and all is fine! I was raised in a Christian family that
filled us with fear of everything being EVIL and yet daddy could do what he
liked to his girl. We weren’t allowed to
watch Star Wars and anything that was remotely “New Aged” was from the Devil! In
fact my father’s mother used to do tarot card readings with normal playing cards;
we were told she was possessed by a demon. I still have the diary I wrote that
in age 10.
I ended up trying to take him to court but it being a
historical case there was not much evidence.
(As if a perpetrator is going to leave witnesses, these things are done
in private!) My siblings admitted to the police something happened but refused
to make statements. Even though my father admitted the molestation (as he
couldn’t Remember anything else!) My father just said nothing in his interview
and well that was it, all over! Apparently because my mother is married to my
father they could not take a statement from her even though she was the one I
disclosed to on the day of the main Molestation! No Justice again, something I
have never had.
I actually believe more could have been done with the
investigation but because the police are so busy mine was not a priority. I
know that many others are in the same situation and then if they are lucky
enough to get it to court are treated like criminals themselves!
I felt like no one cared, I still feel that little girl
inside me being ignored and basically feeling like I am not worth getting
justice for , or for anyone standing up for me.
It killed me inside.
But I am a fighter, yes I have depression and Complex post-traumatic
stress disorder, I have been betrayed and ignored! I am not giving up though, I will fight on
because if I can help one survivor not feel alone or stop one child from going
through what I went through then it will not be a wasted life (as it often
feels).
People who have not been through child abuse find it hard to
understand and they wonder why you don’t get over something that happened all
those years ago. I can understand the
frustration but when your brain is developing still and you are abused it
effects your development and the survival mechanisms are built in concrete. You
can’t just wish them away they are there permanently unless you seek help and
face the pain and break that concrete and rebuild. This does not happen overnight
and some of it will never change but we get stronger and more resilient.
Please never tell a survivor to “get over it” or just “forgive”
their perpetrator as these remarks do a lot of damage to their soul.
Listen to them, show you believe them and encourage them to
get help. A lot of survivors never disclose so if they have chosen to tell you,
that is a huge compliment! Survivors grow up with a very screwed up self-image
because they were raised as things/ objects not human beings.
I want to thank my husband who has stood by me through this
whole thing! He is exhausted now but has an amazing understanding of the
effects abusing a child has on the rest of their life.
Well that’s it for now, I am still in recovery but much
stronger than I was.
I will continue being an activist for the rights of Adult
survivors and for children. I have to, as it gives me my reason to go on and
keep taking another breath. I want a safer world for my kids and grand kids.
I am proud to say that even though I had a terrible
upbringing I CHOSE not to abuse my children. Yes it is about choice when you
are an adult.
Margie Thomas
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