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Monday, February 16, 2015

What happened to compassion?

Well hi all,
I have just had a milestone birthday by turning 50!  
It certainly makes you think about life as it seems to go past so quickly!

On my journey as a survivor of child sexual abuse I have thought a lot about how my life has turned out.  I am grateful for many things but still angry about other things. I look at the world in a different way now too.

I think that being positive is a wonderful thing but being forced to be positive is a terrible thing. In this world of ours people do not tolerate pain in themselves or others. I was raised to think in a fairy tale way, just pray and it will be ok and if it isn't it's either something you've done or the Devils fault. The fact is life is not always ok. There are ups and downs and sometimes extreme ones.  We have emotions for a reason, they are telling us when something is wrong or something is good. We need to acknowledge them. Having emotions is not the problem it is what you do with them that matters. The more you push them down the harder they will try to come up.

As a child you were still developing and if your needs were not met by your parents which in itself is a form of abuse ; then being abused in other ways on top of it your brain cannot develop normally. There are a huge store of emotions that have not been able to come out. As a child the complexity of emotions from abuse is way to big to understand so they are stored till the child is an adult and can then work through them. So you have the pain of years stored needing to come out, in tears, in yells, in grief, in anger and more. Like an over wound spring that you cannot hold tight anymore. That is why as survivors we need professional help and encouragement and not to be told to wind it up again. That is like telling someone who is vomiting to keep swallowing it, disgusting metaphor I know but not far from the truth of telling a survivor to get over it and stop being so negative!

Like someone who is blind develops amazing hearing to compensate ,so a survivor of Child abuse may not be developed in some parts of the brain but other parts become amazing at adapting. You learn to survive!

In China many years ago girls had their feet bound so they would always have petite feet and for other cruel reasons to, such as to keep a woman under control as they could not run very fast with feet like that.  Imagine if people then got angry with the women as adults and told them to get over it and just run. It is like blaming them for what happened to them which was totally out of their control. Even if the adults who bound the child's feet apologized it will not make the woman's feet go back to normal. I think the perpetrating adult should be made to take responsibility for their actions and pay for the medical bills and support workers that are needed.

This is what happens to adult survivors of child abuse. Some of the damage is permanent and ALL of it is NOT their fault ! Why is it that most people in our Australian culture seem to have forgotten compassion? I am sure if my feet were bound like the ancient Chinese women's these days I would probably get some help, surgically or physical assistance but as soon as it is not a visible problem the compassion disappears too.

When there is no real visual evidence to show people  a survivor's suffering there is also no compassion.  Or the survivor is told to get over it and then ignored. Most survivors are in survival mode and actually, like an animal, will not show you their pain if they can help it. If an animal was treated this way there would be a huge uproar about it (as there should be).

Instead of forcing someone to feel a certain way how about we start to be empathetic and think about what they are going through. If you were treated as unjustly as most survivors I am sure you would feel just as outraged as they do.

I have spent most of my life being told how I should think and feel. Now I am 50 I really am not willing to let this continue. I have every right to feel what I feel and think what I think, just as you do.  As an adult I must take responsibility for my actions but I am not responsible for other peoples actions. I am not responsible for my perpetrators actions.

In saying that I will continue to stand up for people who are not being listened to. Of course my passion is survivors of Child sexual abuse. But all injustice goes against my grain. I feel so angry when I see people trying to control others and not respecting them as is our human right. I think if we are to be a great and healthy society compassion and empathy are vital.

This subtle evil of apathy about others pain has led to some dreadful things. I think the way our government is treating Asylum seekers here in Australia is a good example of that.

If we are continually going to treat people like objects it will eventually come back to us. How can we grow as a society if money and fear are more important than compassion and justice?

We need to stop looking for the evidence of suffering and start to listen to the sufferer. Especially when the victim has done nothing to bring the suffering upon themselves. Let us start to treat injustice of people the same way we do for animals!  Like the people who hurt animals, the people who hurt other humans need to take responsibility for their actions and if that includes going to jail  then that is what they should do! Justice is a vital part of healing for both the victim and the perpetrator. The perpetrator should make amends by paying for the physical and mental health bills etc.

Below is a statement I fully agree with and many professionals and activists have said the same thing.

"Saying that you can't be healed unless you've forgiven your abuser is like saying that a cut can't be healed as long as visible scar tissue remains. And insisting that an abused person "forgive" their abuser before they are fully healed from that abuse is like insisting that a person skip rope before their broken leg is fully mended. It can only make things worse." - John Shore

Please think compassionately and lets become a better society that can heal one  person at a time.
Say NO to Apathy as that is the biggest evil of our times.

Much love and encouragement for your journey,
Margie Thomas




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