Religion

Chapter 6

Religion.

Well I have chosen a touchy subject haven’t I! But the fact is that it has played a big part in my life both positive and negative. By all means skip this chapter if you have any problem with it as I am in no way wanting to preach to anyone.

I just want to make it clear that I am not ignoring the fact that there are other religions but I just can’t talk about them because I do not have the knowledge or experience to talk about them. But I do not mean any disrespect for them either.

I was raised in the Christian faith, so was my perpetrator. I hear you say, “That’s typical of the church!” Well in many ways sadly that has been the case. We are certainly more aware of it now anyway with all the horrible sex abuse cases coming up on the news, and churches trying to cover up the mess they have made.

I also think that there is a huge majority of Christians in the church who would stand 100% against Child sexual abuse. The church is a huge community that is made up of people, yes human beings. (Scary isn’t it) Unfortunately in any community there are survivors and perpetrators. (And hopefully a big group of people who are neither!)

I think that everyone has some kind of belief system, it may not be an organized religion but there will be something that you feel strongly about that you place a lot of energy into. Well personally I do believe there is a God.

Now that I have said that, I will also say that my religious beliefs have also bought me much torment. As I said earlier my perpetrator was a member of the church. When this situation arises (as I am sure it has for many people) it starts to confuse a lot of issues. I have asked myself many questions: If there is a God why has he let this happen to me? And why has he let it be from a member of his own flock? Am I just a pawn in some horrible game? Am I being punished? And so on.

When my first marriage split up, my faith just about got thrown out with it. All I had grown up to believe in was cracking up right under my feet. Firstly I had made my wedding vows in front of God to say that I would stay faithful to this man for the rest of my life, in sickness and health etc. I was taught that divorce is evil. To leave this man was to go against all I was taught and held true to my heart. When I left I was sure God would zap me! I waited and nothing happened in fact I started to feel more at peace and more true to myself.

I still struggle with my faith; I am still working out what I believe as I have had to start over again. But I still believe there is a God because, I am still here after all that did happen to me. I would often pray to God as a child and I think that really helped me get through, as I believed at the time that God was listening to me.

One of the main reasons I still believe is because at just the right times someone has come into my life to encourage me. When I was in the process of leaving my husband I met a woman at the hairdresser who was great to talk to. She was so broad minded and understanding and then I found out she was married to a pastor at a different church to mine. (That kind of thing never bothered me) Anyway I ended up meeting with him and he was a wonderful counselor, a great listener and he actually pointed out to me that a lot of my problems stemmed from the abuse. He showed me some great books, which described just how I felt! I couldn’t believe it as I thought it was just me but it was the effects of what I and many other people had been through. That was the beginning of my healing journey. If I ever could I would really like to thank him and his wife for being there at the right time.

Later on in my journey I met a wonderful lady through our children. Her eldest son and my middle son were good friends at school. My son had invited her son to his birthday party and she rang me to let me know that her son would love to come. Although I had never met or spoken to her before, we talked for ages. I found we just clicked, we could talk about anything and everything and of course religion came up. You guessed it she was married to a pastor! I just couldn’t get away from them. The more times we met and the more times we talked I tried hard to shock her with my different ideas on God etc, but it didn’t work in fact she agreed with a lot of it or at least said “Yes I often wonder about that one myself” or “I don’t understand that either” Any way meeting her and her husband was another step in my healing. They have become great friends in fact I would count her as my best friend these days. She has certainly helped me to be open to explore my beliefs, which is much better than telling me off or telling me what to believe!

What do I believe? Well I believe that God is a god of love and it’s meant to be unconditional love, which will probably take me a lifetime to catch on to, as I am sure many survivors will understand. I like to look at God as not just male but as both male and female, because I believe if God is whole then he/she has to be both. I find that makes it a bit easier to connect, as my perpetrator was male. Besides, God is described as a mother hen in part of the bible. I believe you can’t put God in a box as he/she has very different ways of doing things than we do. I believe that God has a separate relationship with each of us as individuals. So it will mean different things to different people. I believe that God sent his/her son Jesus to earth to guide and save us. I believe that God sent a son only because a daughter would not have been listened to in those days not because men are superior to women. I believe that God looks at us all as equals. I think that men have deliberately misused the bible throughout history to abuse and misuse power (notice it is HIStory). I believe that I DO NOT have all the answers and that I will still continue to search but that I can’t seem to disbelieve it all even though I have tried to.

So I guess I am saying if you are a survivor and your perpetrator was from the church that you also came from, don’t let that stop you from believing in God if you want to, as God wasn’t the perpetrator. But if you choose not to believe that is ok too.