Recommended Reading for Survivors of CSA

Recommended Books

“Journey to myself” By Silent Too Long

This is a journal written specifically for women survivors of child sexual abuse. It is put in a format that you can write things in, and read useful information to help you on your healing journey. It is a useful tool just by your self or to work through with a counselor or even in a group. I highly recommend it. I am sorry though as it is hard to come by now.

“Home Coming – Reclaiming and championing your inner child.”

By John Bradshaw Published in 1990 Bantam books USA

This book has some really great ideas on the inner child.

You may not find everything relevant but it has some real Gems.

Recomended Contacts for Women Survivors of CSA

· Women’s Health State wide is a place to contact to find out information on where to find a counselor or any other contact for women’s needs.

WOMEN’S HEALTH STATEWIDE:

Pennington Terrace

NORTH ADELAIDE SA 5006

Phone: (08) 8239 9600

Free call: 1800 182 098

· Take a look in your phone book for your local Community Health service. Here are two from South Australia:

1. Salisbury West Community Health Centre

Hollywood Blvd Salisbury Downs SA 5108

Phone: (08) 8281 7644

2. Southern Women’s Community Health Centre

Alexander Kelly Drive Nourlunga Centre SA 5168

Phone: (08) 8384 9555

Silent Too Long

Chapter 7

Silent too long.

My journey of healing has bought me to some interesting places in the last few years. Firstly I will give you some background. I had a good friend who I had also met through our children. She discovered a course at the local community health center about child sexual abuse. It was a kind of therapeutic group. She was also a survivor. Anyway I went along with her one day and met women of all ages and backgrounds. I continued to go as I learnt so much and it was just wonderful knowing I was not alone. (It was also very sad)

We did some interesting courses that the Social workers set up for us. I found that I started feeling much better about life. I spent some time one on one with one of the social workers and found the sessions took me forward in leaps and bounds!

As the years went on, we ended up becoming an action-based group with the sideline of an open group for survivors to come to that was more therapeutic. We worked in conjunction with the workers from the health center. Some of the members helped run the open group and some of the member went on to help run the therapeutic courses that started us off.

This started at the end of 1995 and the group was eventually named “Silent Too Long”. I spent time in and out of the group, for example when I have had bad depression episode and I have had to drop back or when I was pregnant with my last child I was too sick to go. Basically I had been in it from the beginning. We had people come and go which is pretty normal for any group.

In December 2001 we became incorporated and with the help of a very generous donor got our own office. We were all volunteers and survivors who were very passionate about standing against child sexual abuse, encouraging healing, increasing public awareness and doing it all with a positive attitude.

One of our main philosophies was Narrative therapy. (I hear you say “Nara what therapy?”) It is a big name for saying a way of listening and working with peoples stories. I must say that I am in NO WAY an expert on the subject as I am a learner. I encourage you to check it out. There are books you can get on the subject through the Dulwich Centre in Adelaide. Anyway the basics I have learnt are:

· The problem is the problem not the person; basically separate the person from the problem. (I am not my depressive illness, I have one)

· Alternative stories. Acknowledging a person’s life story and then looking at another way of viewing it. For example I am a survivor and I had terrible things happen to me: ~ alternate view: I must have amazing courage and strength to get through it all and still be ok.

· Breaking down the power differentials; Being aware that there are many situations in life where people seem to have more power than you for example when you go to a professional’s office they often sit in a big chair behind a desk and you feel like a very small person coming into their important space. To break down that power difference the professional could sit across from you with no table in between and if he/she would listen instead of just talking at you, you would feel much more comfortable.

· You are an expert on your own life. No one else has lived your life and had all of your life experiences. If you are having sessions with a professional who is narrative based then they would listen to you and encourage you to see your own strengths and skills because you are the one who has lived it not them.

Anyway it may not be the best way to describe it all but I have found it to be a wonderful way of thinking and I look forward to learning more.

Back to Silent Too long now, as an action group we put out a regular magazine, flyers and publications. We wrote letters, presented at conferences and professionals consulted with us for better ways of working with survivors.

It was hard work but we were all passionate about it and guess what I got to do? Be as creative as I wanted!

Eventually Silent Too Long went into remission with too much work and not enough workers. It is such a shame but I really hope and pray that there will be others to take up where we left off.

Religion

Chapter 6

Religion.

Well I have chosen a touchy subject haven’t I! But the fact is that it has played a big part in my life both positive and negative. By all means skip this chapter if you have any problem with it as I am in no way wanting to preach to anyone.

I just want to make it clear that I am not ignoring the fact that there are other religions but I just can’t talk about them because I do not have the knowledge or experience to talk about them. But I do not mean any disrespect for them either.

I was raised in the Christian faith, so was my perpetrator. I hear you say, “That’s typical of the church!” Well in many ways sadly that has been the case. We are certainly more aware of it now anyway with all the horrible sex abuse cases coming up on the news, and churches trying to cover up the mess they have made.

I also think that there is a huge majority of Christians in the church who would stand 100% against Child sexual abuse. The church is a huge community that is made up of people, yes human beings. (Scary isn’t it) Unfortunately in any community there are survivors and perpetrators. (And hopefully a big group of people who are neither!)

I think that everyone has some kind of belief system, it may not be an organized religion but there will be something that you feel strongly about that you place a lot of energy into. Well personally I do believe there is a God.

Now that I have said that, I will also say that my religious beliefs have also bought me much torment. As I said earlier my perpetrator was a member of the church. When this situation arises (as I am sure it has for many people) it starts to confuse a lot of issues. I have asked myself many questions: If there is a God why has he let this happen to me? And why has he let it be from a member of his own flock? Am I just a pawn in some horrible game? Am I being punished? And so on.

When my first marriage split up, my faith just about got thrown out with it. All I had grown up to believe in was cracking up right under my feet. Firstly I had made my wedding vows in front of God to say that I would stay faithful to this man for the rest of my life, in sickness and health etc. I was taught that divorce is evil. To leave this man was to go against all I was taught and held true to my heart. When I left I was sure God would zap me! I waited and nothing happened in fact I started to feel more at peace and more true to myself.

I still struggle with my faith; I am still working out what I believe as I have had to start over again. But I still believe there is a God because, I am still here after all that did happen to me. I would often pray to God as a child and I think that really helped me get through, as I believed at the time that God was listening to me.

One of the main reasons I still believe is because at just the right times someone has come into my life to encourage me. When I was in the process of leaving my husband I met a woman at the hairdresser who was great to talk to. She was so broad minded and understanding and then I found out she was married to a pastor at a different church to mine. (That kind of thing never bothered me) Anyway I ended up meeting with him and he was a wonderful counselor, a great listener and he actually pointed out to me that a lot of my problems stemmed from the abuse. He showed me some great books, which described just how I felt! I couldn’t believe it as I thought it was just me but it was the effects of what I and many other people had been through. That was the beginning of my healing journey. If I ever could I would really like to thank him and his wife for being there at the right time.

Later on in my journey I met a wonderful lady through our children. Her eldest son and my middle son were good friends at school. My son had invited her son to his birthday party and she rang me to let me know that her son would love to come. Although I had never met or spoken to her before, we talked for ages. I found we just clicked, we could talk about anything and everything and of course religion came up. You guessed it she was married to a pastor! I just couldn’t get away from them. The more times we met and the more times we talked I tried hard to shock her with my different ideas on God etc, but it didn’t work in fact she agreed with a lot of it or at least said “Yes I often wonder about that one myself” or “I don’t understand that either” Any way meeting her and her husband was another step in my healing. They have become great friends in fact I would count her as my best friend these days. She has certainly helped me to be open to explore my beliefs, which is much better than telling me off or telling me what to believe!

What do I believe? Well I believe that God is a god of love and it’s meant to be unconditional love, which will probably take me a lifetime to catch on to, as I am sure many survivors will understand. I like to look at God as not just male but as both male and female, because I believe if God is whole then he/she has to be both. I find that makes it a bit easier to connect, as my perpetrator was male. Besides, God is described as a mother hen in part of the bible. I believe you can’t put God in a box as he/she has very different ways of doing things than we do. I believe that God has a separate relationship with each of us as individuals. So it will mean different things to different people. I believe that God sent his/her son Jesus to earth to guide and save us. I believe that God sent a son only because a daughter would not have been listened to in those days not because men are superior to women. I believe that God looks at us all as equals. I think that men have deliberately misused the bible throughout history to abuse and misuse power (notice it is HIStory). I believe that I DO NOT have all the answers and that I will still continue to search but that I can’t seem to disbelieve it all even though I have tried to.

So I guess I am saying if you are a survivor and your perpetrator was from the church that you also came from, don’t let that stop you from believing in God if you want to, as God wasn’t the perpetrator. But if you choose not to believe that is ok too.

Facts and that Figures!

Chapter 5

Facts and that figures!

It is funny how people react to the fact that you are a survivor of CSA (Child Sexual Abuse). Some people are wonderful and understanding, there are others you just know you could never tell because it will be too much for them to cope with as they would never want to admit something like that could happen. (Maybe it is because it has happened to them or somebody they know and it is too painful?)

Let’s face it; it certainly isn’t a fun dinner party conversation is it? Most people know it exists but presume it is a rare thing and that it only happens to people in lower socio economic areas.

I hate to say it but the fact is that Child Sexual Abuse has no boundaries with money, race and sex. Yes there have been judges; police officers and other people in power end up in front of a court because of it. (Unfortunately too many people in power get away with it) And like I said in the beginning of my blogs the statistics are very high at least one quarter of the population has been subjected to child sexual abuse.

Personally I see it as a whole society problem. It is not just a small minority problem. If we continue to sweep it under the carpet because it is too uncomfortable we will continue to have major problems in society because of it.

There are a huge number of survivors of child sexual abuse in jails! Just imagine how much better society would be if these people had not undergone so much pain in their life and not been victims of this horrible underground crime!

The survivor of Child sexual abuse is affected in many ways by this horrible act. The following is a list of common symptoms: (the following lists are thanks to "Journey to Myself" a journal of healing by Silent Too Long 2001)

· Feeling silenced

· Feeling isolated and alone (“I must be the only one”)

· Panic and anxiety attacks

· Low self-esteem

· Self doubt

· Lack of self-confidence

· Depression

· Feeling frightened /fearful

· Feeling powerless

· Feelings of shame (“I must have done something wrong to cause this”)

· Confused

· Angry

· Experience grief and loss

· Fatigue

· Can cause problems in relationships

· Having distressing memories and flash backs of the CSA

· And there are other possible effects

Big list isn’t it! Now you can understand why some people end up in Jail because of it. Obviously most people don’t. In fact it is highly likely that you will have a number of friends who are survivors and you would never know it. That is probably because they are all just normal people, just people who have suffered from an injustice.

The fact is that the survivor is NEVER to blame for the abuse. I will say that again –the survivor is NEVER to blame for the abuse! The perpetrator is 100% responsible for it. The sad thing is that most survivors carry guilt about it that they don’t need to. Perpetrators are very clever at making their victim feel responsible for the whole thing.

If an adult stole a lollipop or toy from a baby or a child and ran off with it, whom would you blame? The adult of course! The baby or child can do nothing about it, as there is a major power difference. The same is true with child sexual abuse.

Now some of you are probably wondering what is child sexual abuse? Of course some of it would be obvious but I think you may be shocked to see how little it takes to have a major impact on a person.

The following is a list of behaviors that would be classed as sexually abusive:

· Sexualized verbal comments and propositions

· Watching children as they bathe or change (with sexual desires)

· Touching the child’s body in a sexualized way

· Forcing the child to engage in sexual activities with the adult

· Showing pornographic material or videos to children

· Having children watch while adults engage in sexual activity

· Rape (Vaginal, anal, oral) using any object.

“It sounds disgusting!” I hear you say. Yes it is but there are thousands of people (the majority women) that have had to put up with this sick behavior for centuries now. No one can give back a child’s innocence once it is taken from them!

Perpetrators generally do not look like dirty old men in long trench coats offering sweets (well I am sure there would be some exceptions though). A perpetrator could be a relative, a friend of the family or someone in a powerful position in the child’s life. Fathers, (Some times even mothers) uncles, grandfathers, big brothers, neighbours, scout leaders, teachers, pastors, priests, policemen, youth leaders, child care workers and the list could go on.

One of the most important things someone can do for a survivor is listen and believe. Survivors have been silenced by their perpetrator and through this often fear to tell anyone. What often happens is that if a child actually has the courage to tell someone, they don’t believe them anyway! (Please listen to a child if they tell you something like this, how could a child make up something about a sexual experience if they have never experienced it?) Unfortunately some women never get a chance to let their burden out as the fear of disbelief has followed them all the way from child hood.

If you are a survivor, I urge you to seek someone you feel safe with and share it with them so you can start a journey of healing. You will never forget what happened but it does not have to hold you like a prisoner, you can be free of the chains of abuse and start to thrive not just survive. Besides don’t let the bastards win!

As I said earlier in my blogs, I do not like to focus on the gory details. At some time in a survivor’s life it is good to share their story with someone they trust, or a counselor etc. But after that it is better to focus on the person’s strengths and gifts, as the abuse does not deserve all the attention. The survivor needs to be acknowledged, and nurtured in a positive way. I do not mean denying what happened in any way but by focusing on the positive really helps the healing process.

So you go girl!

Creatively crazy!

Chapter 4

Creatively Crazy!

Being creative is one thing that has helped me through a lot of my life. I am not saying that I am a “Picasso” or a “van Gough” (even though I would love to be!) As I look back in my life I can see creativity started when I was young. When I was in primary school I used to love to draw, I may not have been brilliant at it but it did not matter as I enjoyed it. I was also a big dreamer (I think I still am, oh well some of us never grow up I guess). I would come home from school and I would dance and sing to my favorite record on our portable record player in my bedroom. I wanted to be a singer sooooo bad. Having dreams like that when life is so stressful brings a ray of hope for your future. I have spoken to other women survivors and they also had used their imagination and their forms of creativity to get through life. The other creative format I worked in was poetry. I have written poetry ever since primary school. I have thrown lots of it out as I thought I was stupid at the time but now I keep it, as it is a part of me. The great thing about writing poetry is that you don’t have to use rules if you don’t want, just get it down on paper and it feels good.

In my teens, I got to join a drama group attached to a church. We got to go and do some live work in the middle of the Rundle mall on a couple of Saturday nights. In fact for one play we carried a coffin up Gawler place to the Rundle mall! I loved the looks we got on the way. Don’t worry it was empty.

When I was 19 I took up singing lessons. I studied classical singing for a couple of years but I never did an exam. In the end I sang in numerous church bands. I did have at least one highlight in my singing career (if you can call it a career) and that was to lead sing in a heavy metal band. We entered a competition at the Woodville Town Hall and we went down fantastically. I have got it on video, now when my kids see it they have a good laugh!

It is funny though that often you don’t see what you have achieved until much later. I always thought I was pretty useless and not good at anything. When you have had traumatic experiences as a child it can be hard to remain positive. I am still working on it now but when I look back I can see I have come a long way. I still have my days, months etc that are harder than others.

Anyway back to my story, well as time went on, in fact it was not long before my marriage break up that I had voice trouble. I had a cold and I still went ahead and sang with the band I was in at the time. I paid for it. My voice just died. I couldn’t sing properly anymore and I had to go to a specialist and have a tube stuck down my throat, I got to watch it on the TV screen, it certainly wasn’t a ratings hit! I was lucky there were no serious problems; it just had been pushed too hard. I was devastated! I plunged into depression, as it was my only way of letting everything out. I had found it so freeing being on stage and getting lost in the music and the lyrics.

Creativity has a way of forcing its way out, if one door shuts another one opens. I tried pottery and enjoyed that. It was the first step.

When I was doing my Certificate in Women’s Studies at TAFE I found that I really enjoyed presenting my work visually. I was told that if we got marks for visual presentation I would get full marks, damn shame they didn’t! During that course we did some career guidance sessions. My strengths came up as art and teaching. I ended up applying for “A degree in secondary art/design teaching” at University. I was terrified. University seemed something that would always be out of reach. (I mean I left school at 15!) I took the mature students exam. I couldn’t believe it when I got in on the first round!

I remember the first day of uni. I was on my own at that time with the 2 kids. I dropped them off to school and I went on to uni. On the way I got a flat tyre! I panicked like mad! Fortunately I had a friend who lived not far from there, so I slowly drove the car there and with their help got the tyre changed. I somehow still managed to get to uni on time! Oh the joys of life!

I quite surprised myself, I actually did really well. I discovered the secret to passing the subjects. It wasn’t anything to do with super intelligence like I thought but in fact it was just getting on with the work.

As I said in an earlier blog, I tend to be an all or nothing person. Mind you when I look back now I think I was being a little unrealistic with what is humanly possible or not. I was studying full time (in a course that I am sure was testing its students to see how far you could push them before they broke!), bringing up 2 children on my own and trying to maintain a new relationship. I would get up early in the morning, take the boys to school, go to uni, either go home and study and then pick the boys up or just pick them up straight from uni, do their readers with them, help them with any other homework, cook tea, wash the dishes, tidy up, bath the kids, put them to bed, spend a little time with my new man, then study till midnight, sleep and start all over again! I also had to fit all the other housework in etc. Oh and then I decided to move house on top of that.

Well that was enough for me, one morning I dropped the soap in the shower and stood up and hit my head on the soap holder, ouch! I felt strange but I had been feeling rather stressed anyway. I managed to get to uni but I felt rather dizzy and weird. I ended up leaving during the first session and driving myself home. I don’t know how I made it home, as I was really “out of it”. I ended up calling my sister in law to take me to the doctor, who said I might have mild concussion. So I spent the afternoon resting at my brother’s house. As time went on I didn’t seem to get better. In fact I ended up going back to the doctor to find out I had some kind of middle ear infection. Well I ended up in bed for 6 weeks! My sister was wonderful, she came over when she could and tidied up and cooked for the boys and me. My boyfriend was fabulous; he would come over and help with the kids as much as he could. (He was such a sweetie that I ended up marrying him!)

In the end I was put on anti depressants again and guess what, they worked! I believe that I had a mini mental and physical break down. (Gee I wonder why!) Well as you probably guessed I ended up missing out on a lot of uni. I had to go part time. I eventually just gave up. Ever since that time, I have lacked in energy and I just haven’t been the same since. Eventually I have learned to try to not over do it again. I have a habit of trying to be super human!

Another effect of child sexual abuse is that the person loses the skill of listening to their inner boundaries. Things like when you are tired, when you are hungry, thirsty, when it is time to stop or slowdown. This is because the boundaries were all mixed up during the time of the abuse and they had to tune out to their feelings because it was too painful.

As time went on I did go back to study but this time doing an advanced diploma in art. I couldn’t believe it when I got accepted in to the North Adelaide School of art! My living circumstances had changed by that time. The boys had gone to live with their dad and I was now living with my boyfriend who just happened to be an artist. The first year at art school was fantastic; I think it was one of the best years of my life. But I did it again! I got married that year. I organized the whole thing. It was a very low budget affair as we were both art students at the time. By the end of the year I was exhausted! So once again I went part time. Eventually I gave it up but this time was because I was pregnant with my third child.

Even though it all looked like a bit of a waste of time, it wasn’t. I learnt a lot at both educational institutions. It was uni that really got me into ink work. Working with ink was just about as good as singing. Going to Art school really opened up so many new ways of working. I now work in oils; graphic design and I love to do linocuts. Even though I do not have a lot of time now for my art, but as my daughter gets older I hope to continue to explore those art forms and many more.

I often feel like I don’t always fit in with this society’s way of working. According to society I would be a university drop out, which is true in many ways but instead I like to try to think of it as getting what I needed at the time. I didn’t waste it just because I do not have a piece of paper to show what I have done. I gained many skills that I still use today. I may go back to get some official title but I am not too worried if I don’t.

Creativity is a way of expressing yourself without having to say a thing. Some things can be difficult to say with words so by drawing, sculpture, painting and many more ways it can help you let those words out. Like I said you don’t have to be a Picasso, just make some marks and go for it!

The Inner Child

Chapter 3

The inner child.

As I said in an earlier blog, I had to learn to talk to myself. I had to let myself know that I was safe. It may have sounded a little strange. There is a theory about every one having an inner child. I actually find it very useful.

When a person has been abused as a child, there are certain parts of them that never get to grow up because they were wounded at that age. So for example you may be in you 30’s but there are parts of you that still react like a hurt child.

The problem is that once you have been let down by your parents/guardians or anyone else in a position of power that was important to you, you cannot go back to get them to fix it. There are parts of you that are crying out to be loved and nurtured. That’s what I refer to in my poem “Silent too long” in the line “Damaged children in grown up’s clothes”. It is painful and confusing when you find yourself reacting strongly and emotionally to something that normally would be handled rationally. It is not your fault at all but there are ways to make it easier on yourself. As I said the Adults who caused the pain can’t fix it but instead you can. You can parent yourself. Listen to that child inside you. Comfort it when it is scared, nurture it, and be nice to it. The child will slowly catch up with the rest of you. I am not saying it is easy; it is a matter of getting into a habit so you don’t feel crazy doing it.

My doctor suggested that I make a doll of my inner child to help me connect. So I had something physical to look at and talk to. What ever works for you is just fine. Maybe you can think of another name for it if you feel uncomfortable about talking to your inner child. Maybe you could just call it positive affirmations. If you are still too uncomfortable with it that is fine too, every ones journey is different.

A few years ago I surprised myself and bought a toy. Weird as it sounds I bought it for me not my kids. It was a fairy rag doll with a great smile on its face. I can’t fully explain it but when I look at it I feel like it is smiling inside me. Now it is hangs in my office. :)

Those depression blues!

Chapter 2

Those Depression blues.

Well what a great topic. I just thought I would talk about it a bit more. “Why?” you ask. Well I guess it has been a huge part of my life and as I have gone through my life journey there have been many people who just couldn’t understand. So I thought I would at least tell my story.

I have been diagnosed with a “Major Depressive Illness” I think it is a strange title but that’s what it is. Basically, most of my Adult life I have had to be on some kind of medication because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. The major chemical that is the problem is Serotonin. I don’t produce enough. (I call it ‘Happy Juice’)

Does it affect my intelligence? No. But it does have some other effects. If I do not take my medication I tend to spiral down to the point of wanting to commit suicide. (Which makes it rather hard to live!) This poem was written whilst I was in a state of depression; this was while I was on medication just think how much worse I would be without it! It might give you some idea of how it feels:

Depression sucks!

I feel like screaming and running

I hate the way this depression

Just doesn’t stop coming!

I feel like I am sinking in quicksand

The more I fight it the more I sink in.

I am so sick of life in the black

I can’t remember how it began

I don’t remember any other colours.

Life is pretty bland.

Why am I being punished like this!

I have offered my all

Where is my sweet bliss?

I seemed to miss out on it all.

Is it worth living like this?

When it is not living at all.

By Margie Thomas 2002

So I stay on the medication. It doesn’t stop it completely but it does take the edge off the symptoms. I get embarrassed when people find out sometimes because I feel like they think I am making a mountain out of a molehill. “Just snap out of it, you’ll be fine” If that worked I wouldn’t be on medication. Or they think I must be mentally disabled. People seem to have trouble accepting disabilities that they can’t see, unlike a broken arm or a person in a wheel chair. (Mind you lots of people have trouble with the disabilities they can see too)

I have tried very hard to just be normal (whatever that is!), such as study full time, work, voluntary work etc. What I have found is that I have a cycle. I have a lot of energy and I work hard, then I over do it! Then I can’t do a thing as I have a mini break down. I have no energy and I get very depressed. I am trying very hard to be a bit more consistent but it is difficult when your internal cycle works differently than the norm. From the outside people generally see a normal woman, who is a mother and wife. So when they see I do not work full time and my house is often untidy they think I am lazy. I would love to work full time! But it is not worth me crashing when I have a family to keep up with. With the lack of energy I do not always keep up with the household chores, I have to prioritise things to use the energy I do have in the most effective way. So I find that the best thing I can do is to have projects etc.

I think depression comes in 2 different categories, one environmentally based and the other physically based. My depression is both as I was genetically prone to physical depression and the environmental situations triggered it. Talking will not solve all of it when it is physical.

There are many reasons that people have environmental depression as life is institutionalized; from the day we enter school. We must learn this way, we must act this way, and we must do as we are told. I do think things are improving in the school system where children are encouraged to think for themselves and to be more in touch with their feelings. But basically my generation and even more so the generations before were brought up with the attitude that feelings were for weaklings! How can we live in good healthy relationships if we cannot communicate our feelings to each other and really listen to what the other person is saying? I believe these things are vital. If we are taught to hold them in, they must come out some way or another, I think depression is one way; maybe anger is another or even ill health.

I know that being open and tuned into our feelings would not solve all depression but my thought is that it would certainly help. I think this is confirmed when you see how many people have to get counseling. (There is nothing wrong with that by the way, in fact I encourage it)

So I try hard to manage my illness. I let things out creatively and continue to take my medication. I am blessed to have a very understanding husband who is supportive of me when I get down. I still have my days even on medication when I get pretty damn low but generally if I listen to my needs and follow them I do ok. I have noticed things like diet has a lot to do with my moods. Eating lots of fruit and vegetables and drinking plenty of water seems to help. I know exercise is important too, still working on that one! The other important factor is being true to yourself. Really listen to you inner needs and beleifs and don't neglect them.

If you suffer depression, I encourage you to do something about it. You do not need to suffer in silence, as it is a common problem in our society. Go and see someone to talk about it. If you need medication don’t feel ashamed and above all take it regularly even if you are starting to feel better.

You may only need medication or help for a short time as most depression does not last a life time.

Life can be better!

Who turned the light on?

Chapter 1

Who turned the light on?

About the age of 28 someone turned the light on in my head and I had, I guess, what you could call an “Identity Crisis”. I was very unhappily married with 2 children. All the past had come rushing back into my head and it was quite overwhelming. I had been very aware of the sexual abuse I had suffered and thought I had dealt with it before. Now all of a sudden it came back with greater vengeance.

I was doing a certificate in Women’s Studies at a local TAFE college. I had chosen to do this because the kids were both at School and kindy and I wanted a chance to get back into life. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or whether by some kind of leading but the course really opened my eyes to the injustices that women had suffered for centuries. I guess this also triggered some reactions from inside of me too.

I remember one weekend my then husband and the kids went away. This was the first time I had been left alone in years, as I had got married just before I had turned 18. (I know, I hear your gasps of horror, which I would do now if my kids chose to marry that young!) Anyway I was a mess; I was terrified and very lonely. I remember shutting myself in the passage and screaming, crying and punching the walls because I just couldn’t take it anymore! At night I would drink as much alcohol as I could to numb the pain and then lock myself in the bedroom so I could feel safe.

Of course there were marriage issues mixed up with it all but I think 50% of the problem all stemmed from the Sexual abuse. I ended up being extremely depressed and suicidal. I have suffered depression for as long as I can remember (which was age 5) Bouts would come and go so I was often on medication (which I hated) one night I was so depressed I locked myself in the bedroom I intended to take every tablet at once. I thought to myself I either have to kill myself or leave this marriage to sort my life out. Well I guess it is obvious which thought won.

It was a horrible time for me, I am sure many of you would be able to relate in some form or other. Those of you who have not suffered depression will find it hard to understand. It is like going into a deep dark pit and feeling like you will never come out!

Well I ended up going back to my Psychiatrist who I had been seeing off and on since my bout of post-natal depression. (Gee I seem like a fun person don’t I!) It was a long hard part of my journey during that time. I ended up leaving the relationship and starting over. This time I was determined not to be rescued. (I am convinced that was what my first marriage was about but I did love him too) One of the symptoms of Child sexual abuse can be the need to be loved and taken care of. The desire to be rescued is a big one. “When I meet prince charming life will be a bed of roses” What I found the truth to be was that the only person who can rescue you is yourself.

As time passed on I noticed that I would get suddenly terrified for no logical reason. Sometimes my heart would palpitate and I would feel like I couldn’t breathe even though I knew I could. I thought I was going to die. I even called a locum doctor to check me out. He told me I was having a panic attack and all I had to do was breath into a paper bag for a while and I would feel better. (What will they think of next? I wonder how many millions got spent on researching that one!) Breathing into a paper bag was helpful for the symptoms but it didn’t stop the problem.

Another time I was in the shower at home alone. I felt terrified that someone was watching me. I checked; there was no one there. It was a really horrible feeling. After a while I discussed it with my Psychiatrist, I said “I think I am going crazy” then I remembered who I was talking to! Fortunately she didn’t send for the men in white coats. I explained the feelings I had been having and she said that I was having emotional flashbacks. Certain sounds, smells etc can trigger your mind to go back to the past even though you are not there any more. It is horrible when you don’t know what’s going on and you can’t work out why you feel this way. The next time it happened I could analyse the situation and then tell myself that “everything was ok as the danger is not here but in the past”. It can be hard though letting your logical side take over the strong emotions.

There are times I forget to do it but the majority of times it really works. I find I have fewer episodes now too. This is the start of rescuing yourself.

It is very hard to start to face all the pain of Child Sexual abuse. I found as time went on it got less painful. And now I don’t regret the journey one bit.

Falling or Flying