Chapter 1
Who turned the light on?
About the age of 28 someone turned the light on in my head and I had, I guess, what you could call an “Identity Crisis”. I was very unhappily married with 2 children. All the past had come rushing back into my head and it was quite overwhelming. I had been very aware of the sexual abuse I had suffered and thought I had dealt with it before. Now all of a sudden it came back with greater vengeance.
I was doing a certificate in Women’s Studies at a local TAFE college. I had chosen to do this because the kids were both at School and kindy and I wanted a chance to get back into life. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or whether by some kind of leading but the course really opened my eyes to the injustices that women had suffered for centuries. I guess this also triggered some reactions from inside of me too.
I remember one weekend my then husband and the kids went away. This was the first time I had been left alone in years, as I had got married just before I had turned 18. (I know, I hear your gasps of horror, which I would do now if my kids chose to marry that young!) Anyway I was a mess; I was terrified and very lonely. I remember shutting myself in the passage and screaming, crying and punching the walls because I just couldn’t take it anymore! At night I would drink as much alcohol as I could to numb the pain and then lock myself in the bedroom so I could feel safe.
Of course there were marriage issues mixed up with it all but I think 50% of the problem all stemmed from the Sexual abuse. I ended up being extremely depressed and suicidal. I have suffered depression for as long as I can remember (which was age 5) Bouts would come and go so I was often on medication (which I hated) one night I was so depressed I locked myself in the bedroom I intended to take every tablet at once. I thought to myself I either have to kill myself or leave this marriage to sort my life out. Well I guess it is obvious which thought won.
It was a horrible time for me, I am sure many of you would be able to relate in some form or other. Those of you who have not suffered depression will find it hard to understand. It is like going into a deep dark pit and feeling like you will never come out!
Well I ended up going back to my Psychiatrist who I had been seeing off and on since my bout of post-natal depression. (Gee I seem like a fun person don’t I!) It was a long hard part of my journey during that time. I ended up leaving the relationship and starting over. This time I was determined not to be rescued. (I am convinced that was what my first marriage was about but I did love him too) One of the symptoms of Child sexual abuse can be the need to be loved and taken care of. The desire to be rescued is a big one. “When I meet prince charming life will be a bed of roses” What I found the truth to be was that the only person who can rescue you is yourself.
As time passed on I noticed that I would get suddenly terrified for no logical reason. Sometimes my heart would palpitate and I would feel like I couldn’t breathe even though I knew I could. I thought I was going to die. I even called a locum doctor to check me out. He told me I was having a panic attack and all I had to do was breath into a paper bag for a while and I would feel better. (What will they think of next? I wonder how many millions got spent on researching that one!) Breathing into a paper bag was helpful for the symptoms but it didn’t stop the problem.
Another time I was in the shower at home alone. I felt terrified that someone was watching me. I checked; there was no one there. It was a really horrible feeling. After a while I discussed it with my Psychiatrist, I said “I think I am going crazy” then I remembered who I was talking to! Fortunately she didn’t send for the men in white coats. I explained the feelings I had been having and she said that I was having emotional flashbacks. Certain sounds, smells etc can trigger your mind to go back to the past even though you are not there any more. It is horrible when you don’t know what’s going on and you can’t work out why you feel this way. The next time it happened I could analyse the situation and then tell myself that “everything was ok as the danger is not here but in the past”. It can be hard though letting your logical side take over the strong emotions.
There are times I forget to do it but the majority of times it really works. I find I have fewer episodes now too. This is the start of rescuing yourself.
It is very hard to start to face all the pain of Child Sexual abuse. I found as time went on it got less painful. And now I don’t regret the journey one bit.
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