Those depression blues!

Chapter 2

Those Depression blues.

Well what a great topic. I just thought I would talk about it a bit more. “Why?” you ask. Well I guess it has been a huge part of my life and as I have gone through my life journey there have been many people who just couldn’t understand. So I thought I would at least tell my story.

I have been diagnosed with a “Major Depressive Illness” I think it is a strange title but that’s what it is. Basically, most of my Adult life I have had to be on some kind of medication because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. The major chemical that is the problem is Serotonin. I don’t produce enough. (I call it ‘Happy Juice’)

Does it affect my intelligence? No. But it does have some other effects. If I do not take my medication I tend to spiral down to the point of wanting to commit suicide. (Which makes it rather hard to live!) This poem was written whilst I was in a state of depression; this was while I was on medication just think how much worse I would be without it! It might give you some idea of how it feels:

Depression sucks!

I feel like screaming and running

I hate the way this depression

Just doesn’t stop coming!

I feel like I am sinking in quicksand

The more I fight it the more I sink in.

I am so sick of life in the black

I can’t remember how it began

I don’t remember any other colours.

Life is pretty bland.

Why am I being punished like this!

I have offered my all

Where is my sweet bliss?

I seemed to miss out on it all.

Is it worth living like this?

When it is not living at all.

By Margie Thomas 2002

So I stay on the medication. It doesn’t stop it completely but it does take the edge off the symptoms. I get embarrassed when people find out sometimes because I feel like they think I am making a mountain out of a molehill. “Just snap out of it, you’ll be fine” If that worked I wouldn’t be on medication. Or they think I must be mentally disabled. People seem to have trouble accepting disabilities that they can’t see, unlike a broken arm or a person in a wheel chair. (Mind you lots of people have trouble with the disabilities they can see too)

I have tried very hard to just be normal (whatever that is!), such as study full time, work, voluntary work etc. What I have found is that I have a cycle. I have a lot of energy and I work hard, then I over do it! Then I can’t do a thing as I have a mini break down. I have no energy and I get very depressed. I am trying very hard to be a bit more consistent but it is difficult when your internal cycle works differently than the norm. From the outside people generally see a normal woman, who is a mother and wife. So when they see I do not work full time and my house is often untidy they think I am lazy. I would love to work full time! But it is not worth me crashing when I have a family to keep up with. With the lack of energy I do not always keep up with the household chores, I have to prioritise things to use the energy I do have in the most effective way. So I find that the best thing I can do is to have projects etc.

I think depression comes in 2 different categories, one environmentally based and the other physically based. My depression is both as I was genetically prone to physical depression and the environmental situations triggered it. Talking will not solve all of it when it is physical.

There are many reasons that people have environmental depression as life is institutionalized; from the day we enter school. We must learn this way, we must act this way, and we must do as we are told. I do think things are improving in the school system where children are encouraged to think for themselves and to be more in touch with their feelings. But basically my generation and even more so the generations before were brought up with the attitude that feelings were for weaklings! How can we live in good healthy relationships if we cannot communicate our feelings to each other and really listen to what the other person is saying? I believe these things are vital. If we are taught to hold them in, they must come out some way or another, I think depression is one way; maybe anger is another or even ill health.

I know that being open and tuned into our feelings would not solve all depression but my thought is that it would certainly help. I think this is confirmed when you see how many people have to get counseling. (There is nothing wrong with that by the way, in fact I encourage it)

So I try hard to manage my illness. I let things out creatively and continue to take my medication. I am blessed to have a very understanding husband who is supportive of me when I get down. I still have my days even on medication when I get pretty damn low but generally if I listen to my needs and follow them I do ok. I have noticed things like diet has a lot to do with my moods. Eating lots of fruit and vegetables and drinking plenty of water seems to help. I know exercise is important too, still working on that one! The other important factor is being true to yourself. Really listen to you inner needs and beleifs and don't neglect them.

If you suffer depression, I encourage you to do something about it. You do not need to suffer in silence, as it is a common problem in our society. Go and see someone to talk about it. If you need medication don’t feel ashamed and above all take it regularly even if you are starting to feel better.

You may only need medication or help for a short time as most depression does not last a life time.

Life can be better!