Creatively crazy!

Chapter 4

Creatively Crazy!

Being creative is one thing that has helped me through a lot of my life. I am not saying that I am a “Picasso” or a “van Gough” (even though I would love to be!) As I look back in my life I can see creativity started when I was young. When I was in primary school I used to love to draw, I may not have been brilliant at it but it did not matter as I enjoyed it. I was also a big dreamer (I think I still am, oh well some of us never grow up I guess). I would come home from school and I would dance and sing to my favorite record on our portable record player in my bedroom. I wanted to be a singer sooooo bad. Having dreams like that when life is so stressful brings a ray of hope for your future. I have spoken to other women survivors and they also had used their imagination and their forms of creativity to get through life. The other creative format I worked in was poetry. I have written poetry ever since primary school. I have thrown lots of it out as I thought I was stupid at the time but now I keep it, as it is a part of me. The great thing about writing poetry is that you don’t have to use rules if you don’t want, just get it down on paper and it feels good.

In my teens, I got to join a drama group attached to a church. We got to go and do some live work in the middle of the Rundle mall on a couple of Saturday nights. In fact for one play we carried a coffin up Gawler place to the Rundle mall! I loved the looks we got on the way. Don’t worry it was empty.

When I was 19 I took up singing lessons. I studied classical singing for a couple of years but I never did an exam. In the end I sang in numerous church bands. I did have at least one highlight in my singing career (if you can call it a career) and that was to lead sing in a heavy metal band. We entered a competition at the Woodville Town Hall and we went down fantastically. I have got it on video, now when my kids see it they have a good laugh!

It is funny though that often you don’t see what you have achieved until much later. I always thought I was pretty useless and not good at anything. When you have had traumatic experiences as a child it can be hard to remain positive. I am still working on it now but when I look back I can see I have come a long way. I still have my days, months etc that are harder than others.

Anyway back to my story, well as time went on, in fact it was not long before my marriage break up that I had voice trouble. I had a cold and I still went ahead and sang with the band I was in at the time. I paid for it. My voice just died. I couldn’t sing properly anymore and I had to go to a specialist and have a tube stuck down my throat, I got to watch it on the TV screen, it certainly wasn’t a ratings hit! I was lucky there were no serious problems; it just had been pushed too hard. I was devastated! I plunged into depression, as it was my only way of letting everything out. I had found it so freeing being on stage and getting lost in the music and the lyrics.

Creativity has a way of forcing its way out, if one door shuts another one opens. I tried pottery and enjoyed that. It was the first step.

When I was doing my Certificate in Women’s Studies at TAFE I found that I really enjoyed presenting my work visually. I was told that if we got marks for visual presentation I would get full marks, damn shame they didn’t! During that course we did some career guidance sessions. My strengths came up as art and teaching. I ended up applying for “A degree in secondary art/design teaching” at University. I was terrified. University seemed something that would always be out of reach. (I mean I left school at 15!) I took the mature students exam. I couldn’t believe it when I got in on the first round!

I remember the first day of uni. I was on my own at that time with the 2 kids. I dropped them off to school and I went on to uni. On the way I got a flat tyre! I panicked like mad! Fortunately I had a friend who lived not far from there, so I slowly drove the car there and with their help got the tyre changed. I somehow still managed to get to uni on time! Oh the joys of life!

I quite surprised myself, I actually did really well. I discovered the secret to passing the subjects. It wasn’t anything to do with super intelligence like I thought but in fact it was just getting on with the work.

As I said in an earlier blog, I tend to be an all or nothing person. Mind you when I look back now I think I was being a little unrealistic with what is humanly possible or not. I was studying full time (in a course that I am sure was testing its students to see how far you could push them before they broke!), bringing up 2 children on my own and trying to maintain a new relationship. I would get up early in the morning, take the boys to school, go to uni, either go home and study and then pick the boys up or just pick them up straight from uni, do their readers with them, help them with any other homework, cook tea, wash the dishes, tidy up, bath the kids, put them to bed, spend a little time with my new man, then study till midnight, sleep and start all over again! I also had to fit all the other housework in etc. Oh and then I decided to move house on top of that.

Well that was enough for me, one morning I dropped the soap in the shower and stood up and hit my head on the soap holder, ouch! I felt strange but I had been feeling rather stressed anyway. I managed to get to uni but I felt rather dizzy and weird. I ended up leaving during the first session and driving myself home. I don’t know how I made it home, as I was really “out of it”. I ended up calling my sister in law to take me to the doctor, who said I might have mild concussion. So I spent the afternoon resting at my brother’s house. As time went on I didn’t seem to get better. In fact I ended up going back to the doctor to find out I had some kind of middle ear infection. Well I ended up in bed for 6 weeks! My sister was wonderful, she came over when she could and tidied up and cooked for the boys and me. My boyfriend was fabulous; he would come over and help with the kids as much as he could. (He was such a sweetie that I ended up marrying him!)

In the end I was put on anti depressants again and guess what, they worked! I believe that I had a mini mental and physical break down. (Gee I wonder why!) Well as you probably guessed I ended up missing out on a lot of uni. I had to go part time. I eventually just gave up. Ever since that time, I have lacked in energy and I just haven’t been the same since. Eventually I have learned to try to not over do it again. I have a habit of trying to be super human!

Another effect of child sexual abuse is that the person loses the skill of listening to their inner boundaries. Things like when you are tired, when you are hungry, thirsty, when it is time to stop or slowdown. This is because the boundaries were all mixed up during the time of the abuse and they had to tune out to their feelings because it was too painful.

As time went on I did go back to study but this time doing an advanced diploma in art. I couldn’t believe it when I got accepted in to the North Adelaide School of art! My living circumstances had changed by that time. The boys had gone to live with their dad and I was now living with my boyfriend who just happened to be an artist. The first year at art school was fantastic; I think it was one of the best years of my life. But I did it again! I got married that year. I organized the whole thing. It was a very low budget affair as we were both art students at the time. By the end of the year I was exhausted! So once again I went part time. Eventually I gave it up but this time was because I was pregnant with my third child.

Even though it all looked like a bit of a waste of time, it wasn’t. I learnt a lot at both educational institutions. It was uni that really got me into ink work. Working with ink was just about as good as singing. Going to Art school really opened up so many new ways of working. I now work in oils; graphic design and I love to do linocuts. Even though I do not have a lot of time now for my art, but as my daughter gets older I hope to continue to explore those art forms and many more.

I often feel like I don’t always fit in with this society’s way of working. According to society I would be a university drop out, which is true in many ways but instead I like to try to think of it as getting what I needed at the time. I didn’t waste it just because I do not have a piece of paper to show what I have done. I gained many skills that I still use today. I may go back to get some official title but I am not too worried if I don’t.

Creativity is a way of expressing yourself without having to say a thing. Some things can be difficult to say with words so by drawing, sculpture, painting and many more ways it can help you let those words out. Like I said you don’t have to be a Picasso, just make some marks and go for it!