Facts and that Figures!

Chapter 5

Facts and that figures!

It is funny how people react to the fact that you are a survivor of CSA (Child Sexual Abuse). Some people are wonderful and understanding, there are others you just know you could never tell because it will be too much for them to cope with as they would never want to admit something like that could happen. (Maybe it is because it has happened to them or somebody they know and it is too painful?)

Let’s face it; it certainly isn’t a fun dinner party conversation is it? Most people know it exists but presume it is a rare thing and that it only happens to people in lower socio economic areas.

I hate to say it but the fact is that Child Sexual Abuse has no boundaries with money, race and sex. Yes there have been judges; police officers and other people in power end up in front of a court because of it. (Unfortunately too many people in power get away with it) And like I said in the beginning of my blogs the statistics are very high at least one quarter of the population has been subjected to child sexual abuse.

Personally I see it as a whole society problem. It is not just a small minority problem. If we continue to sweep it under the carpet because it is too uncomfortable we will continue to have major problems in society because of it.

There are a huge number of survivors of child sexual abuse in jails! Just imagine how much better society would be if these people had not undergone so much pain in their life and not been victims of this horrible underground crime!

The survivor of Child sexual abuse is affected in many ways by this horrible act. The following is a list of common symptoms: (the following lists are thanks to "Journey to Myself" a journal of healing by Silent Too Long 2001)

· Feeling silenced

· Feeling isolated and alone (“I must be the only one”)

· Panic and anxiety attacks

· Low self-esteem

· Self doubt

· Lack of self-confidence

· Depression

· Feeling frightened /fearful

· Feeling powerless

· Feelings of shame (“I must have done something wrong to cause this”)

· Confused

· Angry

· Experience grief and loss

· Fatigue

· Can cause problems in relationships

· Having distressing memories and flash backs of the CSA

· And there are other possible effects

Big list isn’t it! Now you can understand why some people end up in Jail because of it. Obviously most people don’t. In fact it is highly likely that you will have a number of friends who are survivors and you would never know it. That is probably because they are all just normal people, just people who have suffered from an injustice.

The fact is that the survivor is NEVER to blame for the abuse. I will say that again –the survivor is NEVER to blame for the abuse! The perpetrator is 100% responsible for it. The sad thing is that most survivors carry guilt about it that they don’t need to. Perpetrators are very clever at making their victim feel responsible for the whole thing.

If an adult stole a lollipop or toy from a baby or a child and ran off with it, whom would you blame? The adult of course! The baby or child can do nothing about it, as there is a major power difference. The same is true with child sexual abuse.

Now some of you are probably wondering what is child sexual abuse? Of course some of it would be obvious but I think you may be shocked to see how little it takes to have a major impact on a person.

The following is a list of behaviors that would be classed as sexually abusive:

· Sexualized verbal comments and propositions

· Watching children as they bathe or change (with sexual desires)

· Touching the child’s body in a sexualized way

· Forcing the child to engage in sexual activities with the adult

· Showing pornographic material or videos to children

· Having children watch while adults engage in sexual activity

· Rape (Vaginal, anal, oral) using any object.

“It sounds disgusting!” I hear you say. Yes it is but there are thousands of people (the majority women) that have had to put up with this sick behavior for centuries now. No one can give back a child’s innocence once it is taken from them!

Perpetrators generally do not look like dirty old men in long trench coats offering sweets (well I am sure there would be some exceptions though). A perpetrator could be a relative, a friend of the family or someone in a powerful position in the child’s life. Fathers, (Some times even mothers) uncles, grandfathers, big brothers, neighbours, scout leaders, teachers, pastors, priests, policemen, youth leaders, child care workers and the list could go on.

One of the most important things someone can do for a survivor is listen and believe. Survivors have been silenced by their perpetrator and through this often fear to tell anyone. What often happens is that if a child actually has the courage to tell someone, they don’t believe them anyway! (Please listen to a child if they tell you something like this, how could a child make up something about a sexual experience if they have never experienced it?) Unfortunately some women never get a chance to let their burden out as the fear of disbelief has followed them all the way from child hood.

If you are a survivor, I urge you to seek someone you feel safe with and share it with them so you can start a journey of healing. You will never forget what happened but it does not have to hold you like a prisoner, you can be free of the chains of abuse and start to thrive not just survive. Besides don’t let the bastards win!

As I said earlier in my blogs, I do not like to focus on the gory details. At some time in a survivor’s life it is good to share their story with someone they trust, or a counselor etc. But after that it is better to focus on the person’s strengths and gifts, as the abuse does not deserve all the attention. The survivor needs to be acknowledged, and nurtured in a positive way. I do not mean denying what happened in any way but by focusing on the positive really helps the healing process.

So you go girl!